The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
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If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
buying dead houseplants to save time
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Spa day..😅
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
dogs can find happiness so easily