*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
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they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?