Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
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Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
me linking you to my twitter
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.