Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
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I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist