Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
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Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
this makes me so uncomfortable
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.