I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
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When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone