If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
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99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon