The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
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I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12