its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
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Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Are you ok, human???
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
can’t believe I got front row seats
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Watson was Holmes schooled
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Going to church you guys need anything
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today