They got Raph!
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her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
You are what you delete.
This is my favorite one of these!
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.