Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
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Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?