My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
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Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS