I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
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Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Mountain Goat : )
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow