Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
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The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Storm Tropical Storm
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested