My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
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KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”