I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
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My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Bit chilly again tonight.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Breaking news:
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.