i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
You Might Also Like
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
“HELP WITH CAT”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
How does one answer this?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.