The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
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[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls