[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
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Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”