Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
You Might Also Like
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer