A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
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My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee