If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
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Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
#Caturday
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.