[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
You Might Also Like
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.