*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
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I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
A woman drives into a bar.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.