Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
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spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
So, can we agree on 4 or
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.