peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
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YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Go girl power!
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.