5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
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I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I am, perchance
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.