I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
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Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Yup.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Lassie, get help!
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS