America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
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I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.