The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
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“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Ion see the issue
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine