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Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!