#SCOTUS one-star review
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I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Customer is always right
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup