The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
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mumsnet is amazing
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.