We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
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Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
This will never not be funny to me.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that