pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
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Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.