Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
You Might Also Like
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Potatoes were such a good idea
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean