water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
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My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
real
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch