Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
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Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light