We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
What do you hear?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”