cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
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There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Hell yeah 👍
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Does your wife know you’re single?
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Cndnsd Mlk
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’