My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
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me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me