[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
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*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Look at this
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Rambo Rambow
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
That earthquake could have been an email.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating