Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
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You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
My blood type is b hungry.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.