I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
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Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I will never stop laughing at this
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.