Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
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ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing