Planet of the Apps.
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Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
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Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
me: my friends:
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[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*