neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
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[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time