Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
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hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.