I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
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If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Tier 3 meme
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.