8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
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When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Print is alive and well!!!
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later: